I have pink eye, or as I call it: poop eye.

Today, my eye is gooey and looks like I’m one of “the infected” from the movie 28 Days Later. The only thing that makes this situation slightly better is that I’m sitting in a room at The James Hotel in downtown Chicago drinking a bottle of wine in a robe. It makes having pink eye a little bit more glamorous, right?

No. Pink eye is not glamorous at all. I didn’t think that anyone above the age of 12 could even get pink eye. But you can. You know why? Because you get pink eye when fecal matter gets in your eye. So I must ask, who’s been farting on my pillow?

Maybe it’s my boyfriend. Maybe its one of the dogs. Maybe it’s my old roomie, Natalie, who sometimes uses my apartment to change in on her breaks at work (do you secretly fart on my pillows when you’re there?). Maybe its from the hotel pillows and a stranger gave me this.

While researching my poop eye online, I found an article stating that some mascara and eyeliner is made from bat poop. Could I contract pink eye from bat poop makeup products? How do I find out if my makeup is made with bat poop? Well thank goodness for Snopes because I found out that makeup is not made from bat guano (dung) but guanine, which is manufactured from fish scales. Still kind of gross, but at least I know I’m not putting poop near my eyes.

It’s funny the things you find when searching the internet for “poop eye.” You should try it sometime. One thought-provoking search result that came up: “Who picks up the poop from a seeing-eye dog?” This is a legitimate question. Put on a blindfold and try picking up your dog’s feces one day. Good luck.

ANYWAYS. I’m going to lock myself away from the public eye until my peeper is back to normal. Let’s just hope I don’t wake up tomorrow like these guys.

UPDATE: I woke up this morning looking more like one of the zombie dudes here. Watch out Chicago, I may be coming for your brainzzzz.