What Ifs

What do you do to remedy that empty feeling in your heart that is brought on by a death? 

My heart broke into a million pieces when I logged onto Facebook that morning. Two posts on his wall about how they were sad you were gone. I messaged a few people despite it being 6 am. I kept a glimmer of hope that this was a misunderstanding and called your cell phone. No answer. 

Throughout the day I stayed glued to my phone and slowly realized that what I feared was reality. 

What if I had called him that day, caught him at the right moment and changed his mind? How does someone so loved by so many people feel so alone that they feel they need to end everything? I wish I could turn back time and be your shoulder to cry on like you were mine whenever I needed you. There’s nothing big enough that we couldn’t have helped you through and it breaks my heart to think you didn’t know that. 

I’ll never understand it. I’ll try to search for reasons and I’ll fail. I’ll come up with a million scenarios in my head but it won’t bring him back and it won’t fix the sinking feeling I get every time I click on his Facebook page to look at the memories people are posting. 

And I’m so sad but in a way I’m angry. Why would you do this to us? Leave us with no answers, no time to try to change your mind or even say goodbye. I was supposed to see you in November. Is that selfish to think of myself in this situation? You aren’t in pain anymore but now I am. 

Most of all, it just hurts. And it’s going to hurt for a long time. It might never stop hurting. 

I’m holding onto every memory I have of you because I never want to forget the real you that I know so well and loved so much. Like hearing you sing opera in your room. Or the time you bought a children’s shirt from Goodwill of a piece of toast and butter that said “spread me” to wear. I’m not sure where that shirt falls on your color wheel but I am certain that I would never wear black and brown together because of that damn thing. And you were the best at costumes. Every Valentine’s Day was Alantine’s Day. How about the time we had a mud wrestling party…inside the house? Even when we moved out of our house on Newberry you were always there for me.  

Your smile, laughter and good heart were contagious. You were an all around great person and someone I considered like a brother. My time at ASU would be so different without you in it and I think a lot of people would say the same.

I can’t stop thinking about you and the what ifs. It’s been hard to accept that you’re gone. I want to see your smile one more time and hear your voice, give you a hug and never let go. Remembering you is easy, but missing you is so hard. 

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